My diary :D

I think its been months, I dunno for sure, I haven't been acting as a decent blogger, well at least a blogger for nearly 2 months. You know I am guilty for it, I feel sorry that I am not able to type a single line outta my own brain and every night I make up my mind to type something. Even totally nonsense and abstract is most welcome. But instead I find myself drop dead tired and falling in love every night with my bed ! Wow that love is sooo addicting that I find myself not able to get up next morning. That love is responsible for my low attendance HOD mam !!

Sometimes these Tough times drive me, make me feel alive and sometimes they let drown myself in that unwelching self pity :(

"I am frustrated. I think every day. But nothing is coherent. I fight a kurukshethra war everyday in that 15 min journey and  I bring out my agony out to blue skies asking it lots of questions.  I skip meals and I don't know why. Still eating is a herculean task for me ! On others, I binge. I read. I walk under the scorching sun for hours, aimlessly, soaking in the dust, sometimes rain and dirt…just for the heck of it. I get drenched in the feeble Southwest, Northeast, South, Midwest or in whatever direction monsoon coming.  I catch a cold. I get sunburns. I stop fighting the acnes that keep erupting on my face. I do nothing to silence the anxious chatter in my head that wouldn't stop for one minute.

I just let it all sink in".

When I read this quips from diary, I know I am transcending into another phase of my life-

The phase that will take up a lot of examination, introspection and analyse, phase of 20-23 years, no interest in placements or studies or marriage, phase whether all the uncles, aunties and long lost relatives will definitely come up to you and ask you about your future plans and you will be like a caught red handed thief with that unfamiliar guilty feeling. Mark me they make you feel like that in every wedding !!

Introspection on the face of adversity has made me more aware of myself than I have ever been. The very fact that I can grit my teeth and handle this much pressure is damning evidence of age inappropriate emotional growth for a 20 year old.

I don't want to be stereotyped . I don't want to end up like every ordinary girl. I don't know what I want but still I don't want to get that incomplete feeling for not living my life as me when I am celebrating my 40th birthday.

I like the sun. Yes, despite the fact that he wrecks my complexion and gives me bad colour. I also like the dust and the heat and the humidity despite wheezing. I love walking around the streets at midday, with sweat dripping down my face, till my legs threaten to drop off if I don’t sit down. Reasons why I can never live with a desk bound job. I’ve realised that I’m badass like that.

When I’m alone and all by myself, my life’s a Never Look Song. Someday and soon, I wish to move out of home and be on my own.

I wanna travel a LOT. Again, alone. Without my phone ringing every half hour with someone calling to check on me. Without the fear of never coming back.  

I don’t exactly handle bad times with a smile plastered on my face. I can bring the roof down with my ranting and complaining. But truth be told, I want more of these at regular intervals in my life. I like believing that I’m gonna have tougher challenges in the future and that I’m gonna be pushing at my boundaries constantly. Just Like Miley sings-

                                    "There’s always gonna be another mountain.

                                      I’m always gonna wanna make it move!
                                          Always gonna be an uphill battle. 

                                         Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.
                                          Ain’t about how fast I get there. 

                                  Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side.
                                                        It’s the climb!"

I don’t believe in astrology or fate. I don’t like the idea of some stupid lines on my palm or some unknown planetary movement light years away or some guy sitting on a fancy throne in the clouds deciding my life for me. So zip it and I am going to live my life in my own terms, Well I have been doing it for now sometime and I will be doing it too :P

I love being raw. I hate pretense. And I’m dropping all my earlier attempts at the art of acting nice. I don't think I am giving a heck to that mindless competition or fight or my page hits or likes or journals or music. So, come for the content, stay for the feel of it. Or whatever. I don’t care.

Until next time. Cheers. Cling Cling :P :D